It was the first week of kindergarten. LiL B was eager to succeed. He had already begun to memorize the alphabet, and was hard at work learning the hand motions to “The Itsy Bitsy Spider.”
Today, however, was extremely important. Today was the first written assignment of LiL B’s entire academic career. The teacher, Ms. Worther, moved efficiently through the tables, licking her fingers periodically as she passed out a pile of pink worksheets.
“What a nice color,” LiL B thought to himself absentmindedly. But as the teacher finally placed the handout in front of him, LiL B’s thoughts became far more negative.
“Describe yourself in one word. Remember, you can be anything you want to be!!
I AM _____________________ “
The falsely cheery handout made the question seem deceptively easy to LiL B. It was a weighty question for a philosophical kindergartener like himself. What was he, truly? What was his place in the vast, ever-expanding universe?
LiL B pondered this for a moment. He could be anything he wanted to be, according to the pink sheet. Yes, he was smart. Yes, he was handsome. And above all, he was undeniably talented. But how could he encapsulate that all in one simple word?
Stymied, LiL B stared at the paper for a minute, his face inscrutable. Then, suddenly, his features lit up with a beatific smile. Seizing this pencil, he wrote his word down on the worksheet.
He proudly brought it up to Ms. Worther. LiL B was running Kindergarten like it was Futball.
Lil B-I Own Swag
In what has marked a defining momentum shift in the political landscape, GOP frontrunner Mitt Romney has had his iTunes Library hacked. The contents were posted on the internet, and it seems that the only artist Mr. Romney enjoys is West-Coast rap sensation Lil B. The only playlist he had created was entitled “HOT SHIT,” and featured the more family-friendly Lil B songs like “Pussy On My Face” “Suck My Dick Ho” “Violate That Bitch” and the vulgarly-titled “I’m Miley Cyrus.”
Feminist groups, conservative voters, and normal people with inklings of morality alike have jumped on Romney to denounce what they consider to be his “tasteless and surprisingly undiversified” taste in music. It doesn’t help that a former Romney staffer was recently quoted on the issue, saying “I would walk into his office and he would be there listening to Pandora, lip-syncing all the words. He only had one station: Lil B. He would routinely skip songs by similar artists that popped up, and became irate when he ran out of skips. He would frequently demand interns and volunteers to give him their email addresses so he could create new accounts and use their skips, so he wouldn’t have to pay for the premium service.”
In a speech Wednesday at Porky’s Bar & Grill in Tuscaloosa, the candidate directly addressed the issue of his musical taste. “As many of you are aware, my private iTunes account has recently been compromised. While I denounce the illegal hacking and subsequent release of my musical inclinations, I will not apologize for them. Artists like Lil B typify the job creators that make this economy run. Think for a second of how many hos he’s kept of off Obama’s welfare programs by frequenting their services! He often has them in his music videos, and I can only assume he pays for sex often, as I can see no other reason why anyone would sleep with him. Anyhow, I honestly don’t see what the fuck the big deal about all this shit is. Thank you.”
Political analysts said the debacle has set him back nearly 3 percent in national polls. “It was just a little bit too honest,” said one. “The American people appreciate honesty, but not when they disagree with you. That was Mistake #1.”
Mistake #2, presumably, was Mitt’s decision to collaborate with Lil B on an upcoming mixtape, entitled “I Don’t Give A Mitt, Bitch.” Some theorize this is an effort by Romney to gain popularity with California voters, a state which carries 55 electoral college votes—more than any other. Most think this desperate strategy, now backfiring, was entirely pointless to begin with. The last time a Republican candidate carried California was nearly a quarter-century ago—in the 80’s—when the majority of voters were still coming down from their nearly decade-long crack binge that saw them elect Ronald Reagan twice, despite his anti-crack rhetoric. On top of that, Romney isn’t even the Republican nominee yet. “If Santorum drops a mixtape and it’s hotter than Romney’s, we could see a new frontrunner,” said RapNewz’s political analyst, Lil’ Lincoln.
Lil B was disconsolate. As he strolled to his local skatepark with a single long-stemmed rose in hand, as per his morning routine, he was assaulted with a variety of poignant greyscale advertisements regarding the plight of ordinary, godfearing people whose lives had been destroyed by STDs. Overnight, immense billboards had been erected, bearing the heartbreaking images of weeping men and women with little hope of survival. There was a simply way to avoid this: use protection and get tested! Lil B was frustrated, not just with society’s shortcomings, but with himself. In his heart of hearts, he knew he could do something for these poor people whose lives could so easily have been spared. He had to. Lil B’s soul was touched by the advertisements. He needed to share this wisdom with anyone and everyone.
The gears of Lil B’s formidable, based mind began to turn even as he dialed his producer’s number. The haunting refrains of a touching verse began to pull at his mind…
“Now I’m fucked cause I had unprotected sex
Take it from me: go get checked, that be your best bet
On top of that, I got herpes when she gave me AIDS
My life ending early if I don’t got no cash to pay
Magic Johnson, only one still alive
Sitting down all alone, it makes me want to cry
I can go back in time, I would’ve used a condom”
He already knew what he’d call it. Something that’d shock the masses, draw their attention immediately. Something that’d effortlessly capture the message he was trying to send. Something like… “I GOT AIDS.” As he made his way into the studio, Lil B smiled to himself. Finally he was going to make a difference in the world.